


#7: Headache

by RocioWrites



Series: 20 words [7]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-04
Updated: 2014-07-04
Packaged: 2018-02-07 09:06:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1893312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RocioWrites/pseuds/RocioWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Smoking CW] It’s the way it’s always been, like this. A secret, a feeling, a touch. But nothing else, nothing more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	#7: Headache

**Author's Note:**

> SMOKING CONTENT WARNING

He says  _yes_  like it’s the first time. Somehow, it feels just like that. His body trembles and his hands are shaking with anticipation. He can’t control himself, head pounding, heart beating too fast. It’s not a first time, not at all; however, he feels like some child. He feels like laughing too, laughing at the absurdity of it all.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He answers, dry throat and raspy voice.

Ethan closes the blinds slowly and Spencer finally takes his sunglasses off. His eyes are red and a bit swollen, like he’s been crying. He sits on the floor, back against the cold wall - a relief.

"Here." Ethan gives him a glass of water, he’s whispering instead of talking in a normal tone of voice. Spencer really appreciates it.

The water is cold against his tongue and it makes him shiver unintentionally. So Ethan sits besides him, and wraps a comforter around him. It’s a nice feeling, being warm with Ethan sitting by his side, room dark and quiet. Yeah, it’s nice.

He leaves the empty glass on the floor, as far away from his body as he possibly can.

"You’re not okay." It’s a statement. Ethan doesn’t ask about things he’s already sure of. He just nods.

Spencer doesn’t say a thing but kisses him with such a force than Ethan is left breathless and dizzy. He opens his mouth to protest but the look in Spencer’s eyes stops him.

"Don’t." Spencer begs.

"Alright." It’s Ethan’s soft reply. "I got you. I may not always be here, but I always got you." And it sounds so honest that Spencer  _needs_  to believe him.

"I know."

Ethan starts the kiss this time, it’s not rushed and his hands trace small circles on his thighs under the blanket. Spencer feels the rough beard against his skin and it makes him feel alive again like he’s been numb, like he’s been asleep for so long and can’t really understand how the world works.

"Hush. I can hear you thinking." Ethan reprimands and he smiles, closing his eyes and letting the wall and floor support his weight. He’s so tired.

The sunglasses falls from his hand, a clacking sound stabbing his brain and he moans from the pain it causes and because Ethan’s lips are on his neck, caressing, and it feels good.

"I missed you." He breathes out. It’s a lie, they both know it but it’s not the time to bring this discussion up.

"I got you." And Spencer is so fragile right now that Ethan feels like he’s gonna break him if he kisses him too forcefully or if his hands squeeze his flesh too hard. “I got you.” He repeats and the tears around his own eyes fall unnoticed because Spencer’s eyes are closed.

"Are you going to fuck me?" It doesn’t sound like Spencer at all and Ethan can feel it, the weight in the pit of his stomach, the pain in his chest. But he’s here and he won’t back down when the person he loves the most needs him.

"Do you want me to?"

Spencer opens his eyes, lazily, and there’s exhaustion, there’s also so much hurt he wants to exorcise it. He opens his mouth but it doesn’t come a sound out of it. His hands are gripping Ethan’s shoulders so tight.

"You got me."

"You’re gonna regret it."

"Don’t profile me, Ethan. You have no idea what you’re talking about." And his voice is hard and cold, but then, he deflates again, soft and docile, too tired to really get into an argument. "Just make me feel good, please."

Ethan just nods, smiling sadly. It’s the beginning of the end, always the same.

*

One of the things Ethan hates about sleeping in the same bed with Spencer is the fact that the other man isn’t a warm body, unless he’s sick and running a fever then his body feels cold and it disturbs Ethan to no end.

He wakes up early, Spencer is sprawled on the bed, cold as a dead body. Ethan gets up, he can’t take it. His eyes look for the clothes they shedded last night but he doesn’t even attempt to pick them up.

He just watches Spencer, asleep, so skinny and worn out. Peaceful but a complete mess in the inside. He knows it.  _He can feel it_.

Ethan keeps silent, and sits on the floor which is ironically warmer than Spencer. He reaches for his pants, taking a cigarette and a lighter out from one of the pockets. He puts it in his mouth but doesn’t light it, he doesn’t want to wake Spencer nor he wants a speech about his smoking habits.

It’s weird how he still feels like Spencer is everything, so alien and fascinating but so…  _plain_. Spencer has always been like this, since they’ve met so many years ago. Always a mystery, always so easy to read. Ethan suppresses a chuckle, remembering fondly about those long gone years when they were practically kids.

He sighs, cigarette between his index and middle finger. The sun is peeking from behind the curtains and the morning brings a clear sky.

"Morning." Spencer mumbles and Ethan is still watching the clothes on the floor. He nods just to make Spencer notice he has been heard. "What time is it?" He asks finally getting up and starting to get dress.

It’s the way it’s always been, like this. A secret, a feeling, a touch. But nothing else, nothing more.

"Early." He supplies.

"Should get going."

Ethan doesn’t offer him a shower, or coffee, or getting the fuck out of his life already. It never works so it’s no use saying those things. He finally lights the cigarette and inhales deeply.

"Yeah, you do that."

Spencer finishes dressing in a rush, hair messy and eyes still swollen.

"This is the last time." He promises and Ethan wants to laugh. "I swear." Spencer insists.

"I got you."

Spencer looks livid but doesn’t add any further comment. He just takes everything he brought with him and goes. No goodbye, no I’m sorry, no nothing. It hurts a bit but by now, Ethan is used to it.

He hears the front door being opened and closed, weak steps that guide Spencer to the outside world. He can imagine the pained expression since the day seems so bright outside, it won’t help the headache.

"I got you." He barks in an awful laughter that shakes his whole body. "Last time, yes, of course." He keeps going, but the laugh is now breathless sobbing and it’s just so pitiful.

He’s still sitting naked on the floor, in the dark bedroom. And it smells like sex with Spencer and it’s so heartbreakingly ironic that he can’t control himself.

It won’t be the last time and they both know it. He laughs and cries because  _fuck,_  he will allow this to happen again and again. He loves Spencer in this twisted way they’ve mastered. Spencer may not love him like Ethan wants but he’s sure Spencer loves him somehow. Not enough, not as fully as he needs.

And when the headaches and heartbreaks are too much, he’ll be back. Just for one night, to get some love and human contact. Just for one night Spencer will love him back and it’ll be as it always has been.


End file.
